The Endings and Beginnings
In nature everything ends eventually, yet even in our grief we can find new life in the awakening of spring.
This morning, the crocuses bloomed purple on the hills. I remember when I planted them last fall. It was just before Thanksgiving when the sun was warm on my shoulders and neck, but the wind was bitter from the north. It isn’t too different today as the flowers open, but what is different is what has been lost in between then and now.
The older I become, the more I realize that time is what matters most in writing a story. When we are young, there is a single dimension to so many parts of life, but setting roots, raising kids, losing things you love, building soil, watching trees fall you loved, saying bye to a pet or humans who mean so much to you… all these things are what begin to stack up into a layer of stories and meaning that we feel when things bloom in rhythm with the setting and rising of the sun. We begin to tell time by the land around us, not just in the way it reminds us to plant or shift our rhythms, but in the way the years have passed and, in the process, of what has been lost and gained.
When spring arrives I always think about what things looked like when I saw the ground for the final moments in the fall before the snow settled in and how 6 months later things suddenly felt the same in the land with the bare skeletal shapes but now instead of heading to winter, the blossoming flowers tell us of how we are beginning anew, yet there are always loses all around us as the evidence of winter washes down into the ravines and plants emerge again.
We don’t like talking about these things. We don’t like grieving. It hurts. It brings about an ache in our bodies. It is hard to face and handle, but what I am also learning as the seasons of my life pass and ebb and flow is that grief is a gift. The grief of letting a pet pass on allows us to understand how to navigate the emotions and layers it brings. To grieve is also to have loved.
This year, as the crocuses come up, I am noting the fact that our dog Tucker has passed on to the next world. He was here when I planted these tiny bulbs, and now he rests in the flower garden to bloom something else this year. With one loss, it can bring the rise of all other losses in our lives of family members, other pets, how our children grow, how relationships fade, and more. It brings about grief of all kinds that sits right next to the most recent loss. It surprised me this time just how much came up with his loss and also how comfortable it felt to process it all at the same time.
Spring is a time when I am aware of the tenderness and resilience of being alive. As the snow recedes around us, the birth of new things and the passing of old things feel tangible and obvious. We tend to celebrate the new things, but this year, I still felt this ache of sadness about what was lost.
This season never stops reminding me of the harsh realities of nature and just how comfortable it is with these losses and then quickly emerging new life. Now facing it once again, I feel a little more accepting that it isn’t harsh, it’s gentle, soft, strong, and just a love song if we learn how to let ourselves ache and hurt in it, because no matter the darkness or the ice that forms, the sun will come back, the flowers rise, and what is no longer doesn’t just end. Instead, it flows into something new and beautiful if we look carefully and intently. Not that it removes the grief, but it somehow teaches us that it has a purpose. Nature never just ends anything, even in death. Everything always leads to the next thing, and losing this little dog of ours was the most tender and raw reminder of this truth.
I believe there is something immensely important about feeling all the layers of a season and not shying away from them. Even in summer, there is a fullness that can leave us aching for slower paces and checking in on what matters and maybe what doesn’t. There is something necessary about holding what feels unholdable for even brief moments. If anything, spring has taught me it is that grief and sadness can sit very close to joy and excitement. I have learned that, in fact, they usually can be found in some complicated box of what it is to live as a human, and the more I sit and feel them, the more comfort and calm I have with them.
Spring is a time when I am aware of the tenderness and resilience of being alive. As the snow recedes around us, the birth of new things and the passing of old things feel tangible and obvious.
As anxious as I am to lay flowers around the rocks above our pup we lost or to see the blooms on the serviceberry we placed in the garden for our other pup who passed the year before, I am also sitting with the space they left in their wake. The space is unfillable but also beautiful in its own way. In the wait for what will fill their spots in our flower gardens, I am realizing it is also a moment to reflect on them as their places are evident and not hidden by the overgrowth of the season to come. It gives me a moment to sit with the grief and loss without looking away or pushing it aside. A moment to be in gratitude of all the ways I loved what is no longer and just how it shaped the life that still lies ahead.
So, as the flowers bloom on the hill, eggs are laid with hopes of chicks emerging, and everything begins to emerge green little by little. I sit with the harshness and beauty of this season as well as the push and pull it brings. I don’t just find a way to see past what has been lost through the winter, but how we grieve it while allowing space for something new to emerge in its wake.
Every season, I make a new playlist, and with the beginning of spring comes a playlist as well. I love taking time to make these lists and pull together new sounds for your season, and selfishly, I love it for myself too. I hope it brings a good background sound to your season ahead.
Notes from the Garden
As I mentioned, I would be sharing some notes this year from our garden and land to help guide you on your own journey. I cannot fathom the work of paying attention to the seasons without also keeping a garden. To me, they go hand in hand if not guide you gently in the process. So here are a few things to be thinking of right now:
Seed your tomatoes: I will be doing this this weekend with my kids, so we can grow some unique tomato varieties this year. You should seed them indoors 8 weeks before you plant them in the garden for reference here.
Finalize your plan: If you haven’t yet finalized a plan. I led a class last weekend through Green Door Folk School on how to make a master plan for your garden, whether you are doing veggies or a full landscaping plan for your space. It was a blast, and now I am sitting here wanting to add to my own design.
Consider your practices: If you are a new gardener starting a garden, raised beds may be what you are considering, but using layering methods right on the soil you have may be a more cost-effective option at this time in the world.
Discover plant sales and get them on your calendar: I love buying plants from farms and local business or conservation groups. This supports a cause or business in your community that is doing something good. Don’t miss these experiences.
Wait to clean up: For pollinators and anyone harboring in your gardens, leave clean up till we have had a consecutive 7 days of over 50 degrees.
On my mind this week
Just some things happening and that I am thinking of lately:
Plant Sales: If you are in the TC and Leelanau region, we have SOOOO many amazing plant sales that start in May. The local conservation districts have offerings like the Wildflower Rescue sale with the Leelanau Conservancy, for instance. You can also check out Farm Club for their plant sale the last 3 weekends of May as well as Lakeview Hill Farm, who have their sale all of May at their shop off 641. Finally, don’t forget about the farmer’s market vendors, who also sell great plants!
A Forest Garden: This spring I am planning on beginning a new garden adventure. Since we will be redoing the area for our septic field where our current in-ground garden exists, I plan to use it as a new platform for something I never had the guts to do before. After my years of learning permaculture and this spring receiving my certificate, I have the knowledge and confidence to build a true forest garden in our woods. I have a simple goal of purchasing very little for this project and using almost exclusively what already exists on our land to build it out. One day, we will also have a greenhouse we will build back here as well. My goal is simple: to prove that building a beautiful and intentional space can be low cost, beautiful, and sustainable if not regeneratively brought into existence. No new materials will be used other than maybe some nails. I want our footprint to be as low as possible and it to mimic nature closely. It will also, as a result, take time and be a longer tail vision. It may even drive me to head back to Instagram to share the process this spring and into the future. You can see my inspiration board here.
Upcoming Trip Fashion: I am headed to England in a month for a mother-daughter trip and to visit the Chelsea Flower Show. I am very excited, but with some events to attend, I have been trying to figure out how to be more sustainable but stylish for this trip. I recently remembered using Nuuly and am excited to use it again for this trip. Have any of you used a clothing rental service? I love the idea because I don’t enjoy keeping clothes I won’t wear a lot.
Sable, Fable: The newest Bon Iver album has emerged, and it is on repeat now. I love his new approach, and as always, I am continually inspired by how he transforms within his art.
Graham Street: Speaking of fashion, I am absolutely obsessed with this mother-daughter duo and their style they post about. Even though I am not really using Instagram right now, I pop in to check on their looks once and a while. I absolutely love how it feels fresh but embraces aging as well.
New Flowers: As we transition in the garden, I am deciding to keep things easy is to grow a lot of flowers. So I got these Crazy Leg zinnias this year, and I am really excited to give them a try.
Separation of Social Media: I did 2 things in the last few months to draw a harder line with my social media usage. 1. I charge my phone in another room, and my iPad and computer stay in my office. 2. I deleted all social media and shopping apps from my phone. It was a huge move for me but since for business and even sometimes random reasons I still wanted to post, I kept them on my iPad so I could still do it. Not sure if you have ever used Instagram on your iPad, but it is not enjoyable so it is great. I spend just a few minutes when I do use it now. As a result, I may be on Instagram a total of 30 minutes a week. That’s a HUGE difference compared to nearly 30-40 minutes a day. I also find i check my phone significantly less as well. Instead, I read long-form pieces about other things or focus on my healthier habits as a result. I cannot recommend separating yourself more!
The spring guide is here! It is for our paid subscribers so if you aren’t one yet, you can get a discount below to join and get access to a new guide every season. I have big updates coming to the summer one so sign up now.