The Clearing and The Oak

How a tree taught me how to discover myself again

*** I will be taking a break from the newsletter for a week during the holidays. I will return Monday, January 1, 2024. ***

In September, not long after the kids returned to school, I was just beginning to adjust to the world of having two kids attending school. There was a me who I was working to come to a place of understanding—a version of me I hadn’t seen in my adult life, but one that felt really good. Part of doing this was taking time to do a daily walk in the woods despite the weather. The morning was damp and cool but verdant and alive. The kind that has a tendency to really speak to me.

That morning, I followed a path our neighbor had cut not long ago. I had always wondered where it went, so I followed. I have always been comfortable wandering in the woods alone. It has always been something that suits me. I prefer being amongst the trees.

When I entered the field the path led to, I saw an older path into the woods. A tree had fallen, but something called to me just beyond the log that blocked the path others, whether it be the coyotes or deer, had walked before me. I headed into it. I know the woods well enough around here, but this spot was new to me. Somehow, I had never come this way.

When I began the year, I had told myself I would lead with curiosity. Every subtle pull of interest would be something I would chase. At that moment, I didn’t let myself second guess, just as I hadn’t most of the year. This choice to follow my intuition, which I have learned is that small knowing in us that usually begins with curiosity, had led me into new places and towards fascinating people, and this was another one of those moments.

I took this after the most magical swim just after I had finished a bout of Covid, which I think played a part in the clearing away of these things in me. Yes, I am thankful I had covid this year ( I know I am lucky to say that). I felt so alive in myself from this week on the entire year. I truly believe the fever and days in the sauna shed things I was holding. After that, life opened up in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time.

As I walked into the woods, I noticed there was a clearing in the middle of the pines that felt mystical and magical. I have long loved these moments in the woods when we enter a place that feels sacred. I strongly believe, after many years of living so intimately with the woods around me, that the intuition and curiosity that drew me that day into the woods gave me permission or told me I belonged in this place. As I stood there in the woods alone. I watched the sunlight move through the opening in the canopy above the huge oak that stood in the clearing.

The light was like a ring around it. The moss underneath was heavy. There was a barbed wire fence between me and it, so I didn’t go in, but in some way, I didn’t feel I wanted to or was invited to. Standing on the edge felt like where I belonged anyway. It was as if I could watch something truly amazing unfold, and that was enough for me. I stood there for a while, feeling I was among some lucky few feeling the power and presence of this oak in that clearing.