Shifting Toward Emergence
The thaw has begun and in us there is a shift happening. A desire to awaken and begin, but this takes patience and endurance to bring to life.
I'm sorry for skipping last week and being behind on the Mimicking Nature series. A few weeks of work and school, and then a sick kid took me away from here and shifted my priorities. I'm happy to be back today and share my thoughts and the happenings of the last few weeks.
The snow recedes from the maples’ trunks, and I stand in the garden pruning the final Hazelnut and Hawthorne in the hedges. For the first time in over a month, I see the tops of the pines I planted 2 years ago. The snow has melted away and revealed them once again. Protected by the heavy snow this year, they will have beat the nibbles of the deer for the better because of the snow’s protection that in years past has never afforded them.
Standing on the hill, looking out over the land, I smell the first scent of earth and soil. It feels like a balm. In all the ways the world feels upside down outside of this little pocket of the world, I feel alive in a new way. Holding pruning sheers (something I miss), the sun lingers over the hills well past 6 pm, and I can feel the pull of spring’s awakening just as I feel the deep desire to sit here amongst the still slumbering shrubs and trees just a bit longer. It is the same tug that is pulling the bulbs of garlic to sprout now, even if I cannot see them yet. This energy isn’t just felt like a warm hug, it is a bigger motion in the world that is affecting the movement of the entire earth around me. I never used to know this feeling was the same thing that tugged at the garlic or the plants I call my neighbors, but now I know we feel it the same.
The electrical energy of a shifting season is invigorating, but it is also draining. Just like any ending, there is a sadness and longing for the shift to speed up or slow down, and most of all, the transitions are happening in our bodies as well. The days begin to have more light, and things lengthen in our routines. Even if this feels good, it can also leave us trying to grapple with the transitioning rhythms as well. The food in late winter is sparse of interest. Even as a lover of cabbage, it would be nice to enjoy something slightly different.
The snow holds less romance as it turns to a slush or layer of ice. The comforts and ruts of the season begin to fracture. We begin to hang up the winter season, aka our skis, sadly, and look for what may be the next thing in this shifting season. The muddy and messy nature of late winter and eventually spring can be unpleasant to face with gusto. Oftentimes, this is when we northerners try to disappear to help with our endurance for the spring months.
This year, I decided we won’t be doing that. I felt I wanted to endure the messy parts of this season. I wanted to feel pulled awake again just like the daffodil. I wanted to come alive right with the plants. I wanted to wait for the sign of the first bluebird’s return. In some way, it can feel nice to leave. To slip away from the messiness and the gray dirty snow that eventually will reveal all the crud that hid beneath the pristine layers of winter’s snow or discover the lost sled from 6 weeks ago. It can feel good to leave and come back missing the hardest parts of the transition. I know because I have done both. This year, though, I felt a desire to stay in the messy layers of late winter. The final 21 days of winter are full of important work in self, home, and work here on the hill this year.
I desire to feel the shedding, melting, and transition of the land so that I know how to see and feel it in myself just the same.
I honestly hold these final days of winter very dearly. The older I have become, the longer I feel I haven’t had enough winter. Maybe it is my passion for winter sports, or maybe it is that I know that they already feel shorter than when I was a kid, but I still feel there hasn’t been enough of these cold days of deep work. Winter is a quiet and insulated time in the north. One where visitors are fewer, my work is stiller, everyone knows each other, and slipping into your little nest is welcomed and encouraged as much as coming together to ski and glide as a group. It is one of the most precious gifts, and as an introverted soul, it allows me the adequate balance of time, space, quiet, and rejuvenation that my body and mind need to be my best self in the world. I value seeing the land covered in snow as if it is a blank canvas for painting. It leaves me time to dream and romanticize the gifts of the more abundant times of the year.
To love anything, though, is to let it go, to let it fade naturally, and to allow it to transition. Winter may be different next year, but I will live in gratitude for the gift this winter has been: The deep snow and cold that allowed for so many wonderful days making turns and being still with myself and nature. I will value these things like they are the most precious gifts because the warmer our climate becomes, the more of a gift they are. Maybe in some way I feel this desire to enjoy this shift into spring because I just want to soak up even the less beautiful parts of this season. I want to count the ways it fades like they are a farewell song of something that was so good you just didn’t want it to end. I am not sure, but I know I will look back on this winter with much appreciation, not just for the ways it was cold, deep, and snowy, but because of the gifts it gave me in my life to hold myself in new ways as a woman. There are things seasons give us, and this one was no different, and I think there is a part of me that isn’t ready to move past that feeling just yet.
To honor such a season, though, I believe seeing it through its ending is equally important. I desire to feel the shedding, melting, and transition of the land so that I know how to see and feel it in myself just the same. To love a place means we love it in all its parts and moments. Caring for and tending this land has taught me so much in the last near decade (how has it been that long?!) So much that I long to watch it transition from feet of snow and to traces the lines of movement of water flowing over it like someone who desires to memorize the wrinkles of someone they love just before they leave you. To see the matted plants under the snow finally emerge just to then celebrate their new spikes of life come in just a few months. I long to be present with all of its growth and change just because it allows me to see the same beauty and gift in myself and the people I love.
There are many things in this season of life that demand our endurance when it may feel we have little left. The storage is low both in what food is left as an option to us local northerners, but it may also feel like that in our day-to-day life. The enduring of winter feels like the last of our strengths are called upon, but just like within anything, there is always a shift or a balance that happens where it all comes full circle. The gap between what felt impossible all of a sudden releases to feel possible, and I plan to pay attention to this right now. To learn from the shift. To sit with this space between. To be comfortable in the discomfort of the endings and anticipation of the beginnings. To find endurance to handle the unimaginable while still pushing for forward movement. I plan to sit there not just looking for the beauty in it but just being present with the details as they are: Ugly, messy, shimmering, dripping, textured, brown, dirty, or anything in between. It is what makes up a life, after all.
How to End Winter
Next week, I will be sending a longer form email on this question to paid subscribers, but I wanted to share one way to help you tie up this season before beginning another. I sit down and reflect on a season as it passes. I look at images taken or the notes I made, and I think about all the good that has happened in this season and also what was hard, so here is a quick little list of things to note when finishing the final days of winter:
Write out a highlights list of the season. Think of all the good moments you had and what brought you contentment and joy. What felt fulfilling?
Save some key photos that show great moments and memories
Write down a few moments in which you have seen growth in yourself. What propelled this? Do you feel excited about this growth? Does it feel scary?
What challenged you this season? Did you overcome that? How might it change next time this season comes around?
Life Lately
Since I am not doing the whole instagramming thing, I am sharing just some life happenings here. They feel a little simple and mundane, but I see so many highlights; it’s fun to see what we have been enjoying. So here are some tidbits.
I have had the same skis for over 12 years. Maybe longer, and last week I took a few hours to go demo some skis. I literally thought I was a goodish intermediate skier. No friends, I put on new skis and, wow, I felt the best I had ever felt skiing in my entire life. So I was thankful I could just get them right from my local ski store and get all tuned up to enjoy the rest of the season. It was a big deal for me because I have been thinking about this and consciously setting aside finances to make this adjustment for my passion. Look out, black diamond runs, I am coming for you!
Had to snap a photo in front of the giant mounds of snow before they melted. They have been amazing this year.
Our Lucky girl turned 10 months this last month, and she has mellowed into the best little buddy around here. We had some tough moments with her, but she is really finding her place in our family, and I am so excited to enjoy the years ahead with her as our companion out here. She makes us laugh every day! For those that have asked, she is an English Shepherd (aka similar to a Border Collie, just has a little more of an off switch).
Much of my days right now I am sitting at my desk drawing whether for homework to finish my certificate or for a client. I love it and it has been really a great way to spend winter. This map was designed to show the flow of water on our land with the contours. It's a very fun process.
The snow on the way home just piled up. It has been like driving through a tunnel this winter.
February sunsets are just the best out here. So much color!
Soaking in the vitamin D that also has begun to be more present lately!
Finally, I mixed the herbs I had saved from summer into a tea. If you are a friend, expect to get some for enjoying through the spring.
I have a thing this last year that I take a selfie when I feel really good about life. It is just to mark the days or moments that felt good to me. I don’t share them at all, but this one just felt like a good proof of life out here as we close February.
On my mind this week
Just some things happening and that I am thinking of lately:
Plants for Spring:
I am lining up all the upcoming sales for plants, and one of them is tree sales from conservation districts. I would highly suggest looking into these sales as they support causes that need our support right now as funding is stripped. Some are also done by farmers who also need our support right now; make this a priority. Choose to look small for plants and things this year; don’t head to the big box stores.Indoor Plants:
During this month of transition, I always try to get a new plant to bring into my space. I like to add a bit of green to spark the beauty of this time and space in the transition of the seasons. I love plants that can transition outside eventually or ones that are happy indoors in a south-facing window.Sewing:
I have been busy with school but have a little break here for a moment after this next week, and I plan to spend some time working on a few personal sewing projects each day for a bit. I have had a deep desire to make some new kitchen towels from scraps or create some pillow covers to liven some things up. I am looking forward to this.A Smaller Garden:
Do you see a theme here? Yeah, I have plants and growing things on the brain. This year, we have to do some updating on our land and our septic field. It’s a long story, but more or less, our larger garden is in this area where we will be doing the work. I decided this year we would just love on the area right out our kitchen where our kitchen garden is. I have plenty of work to do this summer, so spending time in the garden will need to be less work. I think this space will be ideal for enjoying as a family, but also for handling it. There is some love it needs, anyway.Propogating Grapevines:
I have a long-term dream about rethinking our vineyard system. When we purchased this land, someone else had already started a vineyard on it. It is lying under many layers of ferns, and I am also planning to spend the spring and summer and fall revitalizing these vines, getting to know them, and propagating from them when the time is right. For now, I am learning a lot. I don’t want to be a vitner, but I want to question the way we grow grapes in our area so it is more resilient to climate change, incoming pest pressure, and disease, all while diversifying the larger offering of products that can be grown and harvested from the land. This is what my entire practicum is on, so my brain is deeeeep on this subject right now.
Don’t forget you can become a paid subscriber any time to gain access to a special newsletter every week on Biomimcry and Paying Attention as well as the seasonally released guides to help make each season more intentional.